A love letter to the real Jesus.

My lover,

I have not written to you before. Yet today, I suddenly wanted to. The world can seem so dark sometimes, 24 hours ago I sat on the sofa crying into my husbands shoulder, my cry was, “Everybody dies and everyone forgets.” The grief wave had surprised me again. The news of the premature deaths of two old friends in the last three weeks in the midst of my own journey this year seemed too much.

But…if I know one thing it is that my cry of despair is false. And so, today my heart sings.

I wanted to thank you for all that you are to me. All that you have been and all that you will be to me, forever.

I wanted to thank you that although you are one of the most talked about, written about, sung abut, painted about men. You are also unique to me. That your name is known by Billions who all have a unique image of you. That you are loved, hated, tolerated, despised, shrugged at, not thought of, dwelt on and a million other reactions. But to me you are everything.

Thank you for your strangeness to me. Thank you for your amazing ability to be two conflicting things at the same time. It makes me feel better about my conflicted personality…maybe my oddness is God given too?

Thank you that you are always there and are never far away. You are close, your presence can be felt. Thank you for that Sunday after my sisters funeral when I just sat and rested my head against your chest. I left church with a crick in my neck but my heart was lightened, my body wrapped in a spiritual cotton wool. Thank you for the miracle of feeling you next to me and needing nothing else. Thank you for the crazy reality of that.

Thank you for your beauty. How I can see it everywhere. In the world, in my family, in my friends, in kindness, laughter, in a great meal, in strangers, in people who don’t believe in you.

Thank you that when the pain does hit you are constant. Always faithful, always loyal, always loving.

Thank you that somehow you provide what I need before I even know it is needed. Thank you for the amazing life you have given me. So full of love.

Thank you that you are not some sort of permanently unsatisfied, judgemental prat. You are unshockable and thank you that when I need to I can shout, rage and swear at you.

Thank you that all you want from me is myself. You just want a relationship. A real, honest relationship…of course I sometimes shout at you. Thank you that you meet all of that with more love.

Thank you that you are real. That I know you and I love you. Thank you that there is no hatred or division in you; they are man made creations. Thank you that you are without agenda.

Just….. thank you.

My true love

My Sun and Stars

The one my heart longs for.

Your Gillian x

Bravery and Body Image – Slaying the beast

Over the last four years I have dropped between 4 and 5 dress sizes and gone from struggling through a Zumba warm-up to competing in my first triathlon. Sounds great doesn’t it? It is. My life now is much better. I feel better. I sleep better. I look better.

I look better. Initially this journey was all about that goal. Looking better. But when I got to my “Goal weight” about two years ago it suddenly wasn’t enough.  All I needed was to lose another 5 pounds and I would be exactly 5 stone lighter than when I started. That 5 pounds…

That 5 pounds made me lose sight of everything else. The amazing achievement of successfully changing my life suddenly seemed worth nothing, because of 5 pounds. I was exactly where I wanted to be, healthy, strong, making good choices. But I was letting all of this count for nothing.

After feeling increasingly sorry for myself I put on my ‘Northern head’ and spoke a bit of truth to myself. I had set a goal weight for a reason. It was the right place for me to be. I looked at myself in the mirror and I made a choice, a choice I have to keep choosing.

I will choose to look at myself uncritically. I will choose to accept that the best way to beat this body image beast is to laugh at it when I can. I choose to go for strong, fit, healthy, secure. Not deprived, scared, yo-yoing, insecurity.

My daughter was 4 when I started to change my lifestyle. I never wanted her to see me consciously ‘dieting’. We eat the same meals 95% of the time. I never skip breakfast or Lunch. Now we sometimes run together. It’s perfect. If I can teach her anything it would be to love herself, to have confidence in her own ability. To not look around her to see what she should be, but to look inside of herself and know who she is. That she is loved, that she is strong, that she is more than a number.

She was my inspiration to do a triathlon. The swimming made my shoulders bigger. The cycling firmed me up but it really didn’t slim me down. The running terrified me, but training next to her made me go out with my head held high.

On the day itself she was so excited to see me. I swam in lycra leggings and a sports bra. Everyone saw my size 14, two children, Nigella devotee stomach. I ran anyway. No one cared. Even I didn’t care. I stood chatting to two men before the race as we set up our things in the ‘transition’ area. Mid conversation I slipped off my cycling t-shirt, in preparation for my swim,  and carried on chatting in my sports bra.

That was the moment I defeated my body image. Things have been different since then. I no longer count myself out of things. I don’t see super slim people and instantly feel terrible about myself and I also don’t hold it against them.

We are all created differently. We are unique. Please don’t be a slave to numbers on a scale or the size of your jeans. Don’t think yourself a failure for having a weekend of buttered toast, cheese and wine. Please, please accept your imperfections and stop punishing yourself. Find something you love to do and do it.

And please, please, please don’t be afraid.

Don’t strive trying to be something you are not. Thrive on the journey of knowing who you are and finding out who you might become. I went from the girl who was afraid of sports, to an honest to goodness triathlete.

Just try. You will almost certainly surprise yourself.