Before we go any further I should warn you, bright and discerning reader, that I am an optimist, an idealist, an old-fashioned soul. This week alone I have engaged in all sorts of illicit and strange behaviours. I have danced a public jig during a successful mission to a pound shop, I have sung in the rain, I have snorted tea out of my nose, engaged in many conversations with strangers and had occasional face ache from smiling.
These behaviours, though strange to some, are normal for me. I see life as good and kind and full of wonder. However, I can also be at the other end of the spectrum, life is not always sunshine and lollipops. Sometimes people are rude and dismissive, sometimes I make mistakes, sometimes I cry in the rain (or sun) and I regularly stamp my foot and have a ‘middle-class mutter’ over something not to my liking whilst food shopping.
The fact of the matter is that sometimes it is easy for me to be happy because life is often easy. I am married to the greatest man in the world (fact), have two great children, a roof over my head, food on the table, access to water, live in the country that created the NHS and salt and vinegar crisps. Life is good. Some things aren’t perfect, there is not often money for holidays, I am 32 and still have no real idea of what I want to be when I grow up (or how to achieve it), our conservatory leaks and our floor is curiously uneven. But if my life had a gratitude dial, mine would be up towards the top.
What happens though when life throws something truly awful at you? When relationships fail or sickness invades or people die. Can we know Joy in the shadows?
When my big sister died just over a year ago life changed immediately. I realised something profound quite early on. I could look at my faith and beliefs and relationship with God and dismiss them or I could choose to really believe. I could choose to blame God, deny God and be bitter or I could turn my face towards him and say If ever I loved you, it’s now. I chose to turn to God and cling on and I found that over the past 13 months I have learnt so much, about pain, fear, peace, comfort but most of all about Joy. In the darkest season of my life I found myself on a journey of discovery about what real Joy is and what it’s not.
Joy is not about smiling. It is not about life feeling like a musical. Joy is about honesty. This year was dreadful but Jesus is wonderful. Slapping on a fake smile, putting your life through a filter and ‘successfully managing your presence on social media’ is not Joy. Joy is going for a shout in the woods (choose carefully, we don’t want to scare people), smashing a plate, talking honestly with someone you love and feel safe with and coming close to God and trusting him with our sorrows.
Joy is not flighty. My cheerful persona has sometimes led to people misjudging me as frivolous and flighty, maybe I can be but real Joy is anything but flighty. Joy is a serious business. When I say serious I do not mean complicated. Joy is serious, yet straightforward. Darkness can either consume you or you can use it to illuminate just how bright the light is. In the first few months after my sister’s death I almost constantly listened to a song called ‘Joy’ by Rend Collective. I could happily quote every lyric in that song but these lyrics particularly spoke to me
“You’re the joy, joy, joy lighting my soul
The joy, joy, joy making me whole.
Though I’m broken, I am running into your arms of love.”
Seriously simple. I am broken. I am running to you, not away from you.
Joy is not unintellectual. Joy is full of wisdom. Sometimes it can seem as if the more serious you are, the more important you are. The more you puzzle and reflect and ponder life and death and God, the greater your understanding and knowledge. Whilst I believe that critical thinking and self reflection are vitally important, I also know that there is simplicity in Joy. Joy doesn’t mean you have all the answers. Joy means that you have peace with the unknown.
The most important thing I have learnt about Joy is that it is most apparent in the darkness. For me, my journey into knowing the depths of Joy show me the extent to which God’s love is unstoppable. The bad things that happen to us in life are not evidence of God’s cruelty or lack of existence. They are just life. A mixture of Good and Bad. God’s love for us, the comfort and peace he brings, are greater and more powerful and brighter than anything else.
If you are in the Shadows I know that Joy is there with you. Whether you realise it or not, Joy is waiting for you, to show you that when the pain hits, you are not alone.
Joy is beautifully simple and so vital. Look outside of yourself. Turn your face to the one who is bigger and brighter.
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