Out of Hiding
Today, Facebook told me that one year ago I wrote a blog post called ‘In the shadows with Joy’, and I paused for a second and just had to smile. One year ago. Life was so very different. I was different.
If I could go back and see ‘One year ago’ me, I would give hear a slap on the back, a hug, in fact I would probably jump onto her and cry ‘Well done – keep going’. I wrote ‘In the shadows with Joy’ just over a year after losing my sister and it charted my journey with God, through grief.
In fact, thinking about the me I was one year ago automatically brings me to ‘two year ago’ me. The loss of my sister, quite rightly, dominating my entire existence, large portions of those first two months after she died are just a gaping, empty void. I remember having the worst back pain of my life, sat in a cinema in Nottingham, trying to act normal. I remember weekends given over entirely to eating my husband’s home baked bread. I remember watching Game of Thrones at any given moment and embracing the darkening nights and chilly days with open arms.
One year on and I had lived through the worst year of my life, but had at least learnt something. About me, about God, about life and love and loss and how all of these things make each one of us who we are. They are what our humanity is made of.
I had also changed forever. There was a feeling within me that finally grasped the utter preciousness of life. I had lived through a season of not just utter heartbreak, but also deep fear. Fears that I hadn’t even realised I had. Fears that couldn’t be brushed under the carpet. Fears that had to be faced, that had to be looked straight in the eye and overcome.
No wonder I was different.
I learnt front crawl. I did a triathlon, I started writing and letting people actually see what I wrote. I started volunteering in my kid’s school. I began to shake off the breadcrumbs, leave behind the duvet and come out of hiding.
So, what about now, what about ‘today’ me? The lady who smiled as she remembered what had gone before. One year, two years on and life is very different again.
After nine and a half years at home, raising my children, I have gone back to work. I’m working as a teaching assistant, but really I am trying to think of myself as an ‘aspiring beam of light’ (Thank you Kid President), hopefully extending the same love, kindness and hope I have known, to the utterly glorious (and beautifully bonkers) kids I work with.
I have been back to college and learnt more about something that fascinates me. I have taken a break from blogging to write my first novel, which hopefully, one day someone will want to publish. I’ve sent it to agents of my literary heroes and had them compliment my writing.
I am out of hiding.
And yet, the lure of retreat is strong. The promise of safety, of remaining unseen, is consistently captivating. It can hurt to be seen, there’s the fear of laughter, of what people might think.
The fear of failure.
But, as I read yet another rejection, or get something wrong at work, or am yet again the ‘wobbliest’ person at my gym and look a bit daft as I try something new, I can only think that the alternative would be so much worse.
I would gladly take 100 rejection letters over never having written my book. I would rather mess up my photocopying, than not be present for a kid who I could help. I’d rather be last in my next triathlon, than never dare to take part in one again. When my family asks me to try rock climbing with them, I’m going to say yes. Who cares if I’m terrible? I can only get better.
I’ve been thinking a lot about a verse from the message translation of the bible,
“You’re here to be light, bringing out the God colours in the world” Matthew 6:14
When we do come out of hiding, then our light can truly shine. There is a time to hibernate, to nest, to rest and to recover. There is a time to be still and to deal with pain and fear and loss, of whatever kind.
But there is another time. A time where Joy and Hope and Light can burst from us and all we have to do is step out of hiding, be ourselves and shine.
There is a singer/songwriter I love called Steffany Frizzell-Gretzinger (buy her album!) who wrote a song called ‘Out of hiding’ and inspired these musings.
“No need to be frightened
By intimacy
No just throw off your fear
And come running to me.”
Come out of hiding, let your light shine. The world is so very dark now, come out and shine.
internalkindness 